Dear Late Millennials,
Congratulations. You actually broke Instagram, you little narcissistic sheep. God forbid you don’t post every angle of your borrowed outfit live from Coachella. Don’t even pretend you’re #aboutthatlife, honey. Who’s your agent these days? Right, your #modelbehavior is brought to us by Instagram and sponsored by the Photoshop app.
Sure, it only took 3 hours for Instagram to be back up and running on that devastating Saturday, but what were the rest of us supposed to do? Did you think of our FOMO and our need to creep hourly? Of course you didn’t. Your me-focused obsession to over-post redundant selfies ruined those precious 3 hours for everyone – everyone as in, THE WORLD.
So put your iPhone down now for some real talk. Look, I get it; your followers need to know that you are a self-professed model/stylist/prophet, and that editing photos and researching motivational quotes do take time. But maybe, just maybe, when in class, listen?
But why would you when you can learn just about anything on YouTube from another illegitimately egotistical non-expert? I wonder, which vlogger is a “pro” in American History these days?
(Tweets from #FourthofJuly; via @TheFatJewish)
I mean, can we accept living in a world where the pound sign has lost its analogue meaning to brats who don’t even know the actual use of their precious hashtag?
(Direct messages of James Franco and UK Teen, via @TheManRepeller)
But who can blame you? With so many more important things happening in the twittersphere like #OOTD and #WCW, who has time to function in society, and know trivial things like American History and World Politics. Like, who cares anyway? There’s a pre-pubescent hottie’s cleavage shot to double tap, and more importantly, a fifth selfie to post immediately.
And right when we’re at the cusp of societal progression where the world finally witnesses a black president—not to mention after long years of fighting for nonsensical things like civil rights—you grace us with a mental disease further plaguing your own generation, and with what’s worse, no cure.
True story: the APA defined selfitis as the obsessive compulsive desire to take photos of one’s self and post them on social media as a way to make up for the lack of self-esteem and to fill a gap in intimacy. (abodochronicles.com)
Yet, according to the APA, while there is currently no cure for this disorder, it is covered under Obamacare. (abodochronicles.com)
Enter irony: the pinnacle of our societal evolution will be enabling the bratty illness leading to our societal culmination. And after these leaders and enablers, who’s next in line to run the world? You already can’t function in life, and we’re supposed to trust you with our future, or what’s worse, your own?
But perhaps we’re too late. Compulsive selfie-taking is now a plague in which our cognitive capabilities are too weak to fight.
(Instagram post via @TheFatJewish)
Let us #NEVERFORGET that Instagram went down for those 3 precious hours. Perhaps our only hope is to let you crash the internet altogether and pray for a Digital Armageddon where we can then rebuild a society where pound sign, number sign and hashtag can coexist.
Sincerely,
The Early Millenials who perpetuated Facebook